Life in the Movies Versus Real Life

In the movies, when someone knocks on your door and is, like, “Housekeeping,” it’s almost always someone wanting to arrest and/or murder you. In real life, it is someone with a cart of clean towels who may want to arrest and/or murder you, but isn’t allowed to, because of the law.

In the movies, action heroes never have to go to the bathroom. In real life, everyone has to go to the bathroom every day forever, and it’s extremely embarrassing.

In the movies, people will try to investigate strange sounds coming from the basement. In real life, you should never go into the basement, for it is where the Rat King resides.

In the movies, Dennis Quaid is your dad. In real life, you wish he was your dad, but also kind of your husband. It’s complicated!

In the movies, a woman will fall in love with you if you save her life. In real life, a woman will fall in love with you if you save her from having to teach you how to express your feelings.

In the movies, people are always splitting up into groups to solve a mystery. In real life, people are always splitting up owing to irreconcilable differences, and ruining Christmas for everyone.

In the movies, you are always getting invited to the weddings of people you barely know and you’re, like, “Man, another wedding?!” In real life, you are always getting invited to the weddings of people you know very well, and it is personally and financially damaging.

In the movies, kids always seem to know everything. In real life, children don’t know much at all, but you aren’t allowed to say that to their faces.

In the movies, if a woman throws up it means that she’s pregnant. In real life, a woman could throw up for many reasons, but likely because of an unnamed river disease.

In the movies, people are, like, “Follow that car!” and the taxi-driver will do it. In real life, you are in a subway car full of strangers and must adhere to the social contract.

In the movies, Prince Charming will sweep you off your feet. In real life, podcasts have made it so that every man is unbearable.

In the movies, teen-agers always look like they’re in their twenties. In real life, teen-agers always look like they are laughing at you, and most of the time they are.

In the movies, a high-school nerd can become popular after a makeover montage. In real life, a high-school nerd can only become the billionaire C.E.O. of a major tech company (honestly sad, when you think about it).

In the movies, all your dreams come true. You win the big game, fall in love, get the perfect job, and are able to have it all. In real life, dreams are just a thing that your least favorite co-worker tells you about, unprompted, every single day. ♦